the box of flies

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Friend: I went to metalfest. 15 bands for 15 bucks, it was great!

Me: :O A buck a band? You should have gone to 50 cent instead.

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need a friend that will stay fucking true, will tell me anything and everything, not more of these pathetic people who just think they can walk in and out of my life

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Pizza is too expensive, I`m just going to eat carrots.

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Me: You don’t want to know about all those things that are on my mind.

Friend: Yeah, because I’m not.

Me: Well … That’s not entirely true.

Friend: What, you want to say that I’m on your mind?

Me: Of course! I’m always thinking of you, like “Where is that monkey? I want to shoot something!”

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Me [spotting a hot guy]: Damn.

Friend: He’s too young for you.

Me: “He’s too young for you.” What does that even mean? I’m not planning to share my life with him. I’d just like to do him.

Friend: OMG, you’re even worse than I am and I’m a man.

Me: Pfft, I don’t believe in genders.

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Friend: Do your happy dance because I’ll be picking you up in my dad’s fine car.

Me: Wooohooo! We’ll be arriving in style. Will you borrow your mom’s red carpet as well?

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pumpkin days

Ted: She’s making us eat everything pumpkin.

Friend: Why?

Me: I bought a pumpkin and it’s big, you know, so I make all kinds of pumpkin foods. Like pumpkin pancakes with cheese and onions, and pumpkin cake with almonds and apricots. They’re so good! I want to try pumpkin juice as well.

Friend: Is it Halloween?

Me: Pumkin is not a Halloween food, you damn Americans!

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Friend: Oh look! It’s le Michael!

Michael: Hey.

Me: Hello.

Friend: Hey, do you have a spare room?

Michael: Spare room? What for?

Friend [whispering]: She’s driving me nuts!

Me: I don’t need much. Just a spare room with a wardrobe in it. A wardrobe that has a direct connection to Narnia. That’s all.

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Friend: I hate you.

Me: Knowing that makes me feel so warm inside.